I can say without a doubt in my mind that I am not the same person I was before we started walking down the road of infertility. Sure there are attributes about me that remain the same, but overall I have changed.
After you walk this road and have had multiple miscarriages, you can’t help but change. At the beginning I remember being so hopeful thinking that all we needed was a magic pill to help us. I quickly learned that wasn’t the case and I started losing hope and became quite bitter. Why were all our friends starting to have kids but yet there we remained, still struggling.
Every month was an emotional rollercoaster. I started out so hopeful and then when things didn’t work, I became sad, angry and bitter all over again.
For the most part, I think I hid my true feelings from family, friends and co-workers. I put on a smile each day and went about my daily routine but really all I could think about was starting our family. There were bad days and then there were good days. However when the good days came, it was almost as though I felt guilty for having those days. Why am I thinking of something other than our future child or why am I laughing when I lost a child? I live and breathe infertility.
So often, Jayson and I would say that we don’t want infertility to define us. I have heard so many others walking this road say the same thing. We have worked hard to ensure that it doesn’t define who we are as a couple, however it has molded us, it has shaped us into the people that we are today.
You would think that as we continued with more treatments, more financial, emotional and physical strain that I would only become more bitter, but I didn’t. Something was happening inside of me. I was becoming stronger in my faith and was talking to God more and more. I felt that I have a stronger relationship with Him now than I ever had. I was thanking Him that our children were on their way, I was even thinking Him for the path he put us on – which trust me, that part didn’t come easily. I was always thanking God for the work He was doing in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am in pain and I am hurting, but I know there is a purpose for it.
Before our last round of IVF, I felt a strong pull that we needed to try one more time. I felt like God was telling me that it was our time. At the most perfect time, I would hear, “Thy Will Be Done” play on the radio and I just knew it was Him speaking to me.
After this last round of IVF resulted in another miscarriage – I went to the darkest place. I felt so betrayed. How could He make me feel like we needed to do this again if this is what was going to happen? How could He make Jayson and I go through this pain all over again. I stopped praying, I was so mad at Him I didn’t even know what to say other than to scream and yell.
Now that some time has passed, I realized that just because it wasn’t the answer or result that I was wanting from Him, doesn’t mean He didn’t have a purpose for it. I may not understand it, but I do trust Him. He knows what He is doing.
Today I woke up and was mentally in a bad place. I was mad at God and then I just turned weepy and all I wanted was a big hug from Jayson. I didn’t have to say a word to him and he said, “It’s one of those days isn’t it.” I nodded and he said, “Take your time but remember not to stay there.” He is the most amazing husband ever.
All of this, while painful and gut wrenching at times, it shaping Jayson and I into the people that God has intended for us to be. There may be some really dark days where I definitely don’t make Him proud, I eventually always come out stronger than before. There is a purpose for the pain!
With love,
Haley