The last month or so has been extremely difficult for me and I wasn’t prepared for it at all and quite frankly, I wasn’t really sure of the reasoning. I knew I was emotional, sad and very irritable and I haven’t been happy.
Of course infertility can give you these feelings but it seemed to be more than normal and I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on.
I finally realized that it’s because the treatments have stopped, the plan unsure, I have no control.
Sure, Jayson and I know that our next step is donor eggs, however we have no idea of the timeline of when this will happen. We basically have been on a steady plan for 4 years, always knowing what was around the corner and when it would be happening. Something to look forward to after a cycle didn’t work or we had a miscarriage – we had the hope of the next cycle and knew when to look forward to it.
Now it has all come to screeching pause. I was basically doing something every month. Then when we went to IVF, I only had a few months between each cycle and I had the hope that the next cycle would be the one to finally work. Not to mention I was always doing something medication wise to prepare for that next cycle.
I went from 4 shots a day, several trips to Wichita per week for lab work, sonograms and progress reports. I went from having the procedure for egg retrieval, waiting the day after the egg retrieval to hear from the nurse on the fertilization report, then waiting each day to hear from her on how the embryos were developing and waiting to hear if we would have a day 3 or a day 5 transfer. Having the transfer and then waiting the dreaded two-week wait to find out if we were pregnant. Then after we found out we were pregnant, having the constant lab work done to make sure things were progressing normally. Then when they weren’t progressing normally, continuing to have more lab work to make sure everything was taking care of itself and my levels were dropping.
Now, I’m doing nothing. Jayson and I are continuing to save money but that doesn’t really feel like we are doing anything. I don’t have shots, appointments, etc.
I never really thought about how I would feel once everything had stopped. Jayson and I are taking a break from the life we have lived for the past 4 years and I’m not quite sure how to handle that. Infertility treatments have become a big part of our lives and I never really thought about us taking a break unless it was because we got pregnant and the break was us waiting for the right time to start trying for our next child.
I’m working through those feelings and figuring out how to live without knowing the plan – in other words, putting it in God’s hands. It’s hard to explain the feelings I have right now and when I saw this quote, I thought it was perfect.
With love,
Haley