While infertility is sadly very common, it’s not well known. A lot of people don’t talk about it because it is a very personal matter. Everyone has their right to decide if they want to share their story or not. I decided I wanted to start talking about our story to a few select family members and friends and I found that the more I talked about it, the better I felt. It was almost like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. We also began to receive a lot of support from family and friends. However, with that support also came negativity or judgment from people who either didn’t know any better or felt very strongly in their viewpoints.
One question Jayson and I were asked a lot before we really started sharing our story is, “When are you going to start having kids?” I know people don’t have ill intentions when they ask this question, but PLEASE think twice before asking a couple this. You have no idea what hoops they may be jumping through to try and start their family.
Another one of my favorites is when you get a story like this:
It is funny how many people know of someone that knew someone that knew someone that ended up pregnant after trying fertility treatments or going through adoption. I always love the following advice as well:
- Take a vacation and it will happen
- Just relax, it will happen when it is meant to
- Stop thinking about it and it will work
- If you get drunk it will happen
They make me laugh now because I know people are coming from a good place, but at the beginning, trust me I wasn’t laughing. It almost made me feel like I was stressing about it too much or wasn’t relaxed enough and that was the reasoning it wasn’t happening. I was beginning to worry that my intense desire to become a mom was the very thing preventing it from happening.
When we were going through IVF treatments and we had our first two miscarriages, one thing that bothered me, and still does, was when people would ask why we were spending the money or why we didn’t forget the treatments and become foster parents or why we weren’t considering adoption.
Trust me – we considered EVERYTHING!
Infertility is a disease – it isn’t a choice. We decided we wanted to try and treat that disease to see if it could help us have our family. Each time we did IVF, there were new findings or additional lab work done. So after that, we decided to try again. Once we realized we had tried everything and it still wasn’t resulting in a healthy baby, we knew we had to stop. We understood the difference between persistence and insanity.
Now that Jayson and I are wanting to use an egg donor, we are getting those same questions. Why not adopt? Why aren’t you foster parents? Have you at least considered your options?
Please trust me when I say that Jayson and I have lost sleep thinking over and considering all of our options. We know there are risks as well as rewards in each direction.
We wouldn’t go down the road of egg donor if our doctor didn’t think it would result in a successful pregnancy and healthy baby. The egg bank that our clinic uses has verified donors. Meaning they are all screened, chromosome tested, physical and mental analysis, etc.
Jayson and I seriously thought long and hard about being foster parents. To be honest, I don’t think it’s something we can emotionally handle right now. What if we get attached (which I know we would) to that child only to have them sent back to their parents. We can not emotionally handle a child physically being ripped from our arms that we have been taking care of. Not yet, not now.
Adoption is far more expensive than using an egg donor and it isn’t guaranteed. In order to adopt a baby, there is a long wait list and numerous home visits, legal fees, etc. There are 36 families waiting for every 1 infant available for adoption; only about 18,000 infants in the US are placed for adoption each year. You ask anyone, it’s a bumpy road and at the end, you aren’t always guaranteed the outcome you want. I know of a couple that was on the wait lists for almost two years. They finally were in the process of adopting the baby and then once the baby came, the birth mother changed her mind.
I personally have nothing against being foster parents and adopting and it may even be in our future someday. However right now, when we have suffered through so much heartache and financial strain, we have to do what we feel is best for us at this current time.
So, next time you know of someone going through this situation, rest assured that they have thought this through, they have looked at their options and they have taken everything into consideration. What you think may be the best decision, may not be the best decision for them with their medical and/or financial situation. They are doing what is best for them and all they want is your love and support.
With love,
Haley