When you’re fighting the battle of infertility the news of anyone getting pregnant stings. It makes you weak in the knees and it makes you question EVERYTHING. Why am I being punished? Does God not think I will be a good mother? Am I not just as deserving?
So many emotions creep in and while I’m always beyond thrilled for whoever announces their pregnancy, I ache inside for Jayson and myself.
Do you realize how many pregnancy announcements are out there on a daily basis with social media alone? It seems like I can’t go a day without someone announcing they are pregnant or posting that their sweet bundle of joy has finally made their appearance.
It’s impossible to go a day without the thing that you want the most being dangled right in front of you. I can see it happening all around me, but it isn’t happening for us.
It’s also a constant reminder for just how long Jayson and I have been on this road to parenthood. Jayson and I had been trying a year already when my brother and his wife announced they were pregnant. My niece just turned three and here Jayson and I still sit, waiting, longing, hoping, and praying for our chance.
In January my sister announced to the family that she is pregnant. I’m so thrilled for her and her husband and I know without a doubt that they will be amazing parents. I see how they are with my two nieces and it makes me excited to see how they are going to be with their little girl.
One of the things that tore at my heart was that my sister was afraid to tell me. I know what you are all thinking – do I want people to be sensitive or not? Of course I do but I hated the fact that she was worried about making that phone call to me. I so wanted it to be different. I wish she didn’t even have to think twice about sharing that moment with me but the reality is, she did.
Her announcement came a month after Jayson and I had found out that we had our 4th miscarriage. When my sister told me her due date…well I can’t even describe to you the emotions that I had.
You see with the baby I had just lost to miscarriage, my due date would have been August 1st. My sister’s due date for her little girl is August 5th. We could have been experiencing it all together.
Now when I talk to her and hear how the pregnancy is progressing I can’t help but think about how it would be for Jayson and I. The reminder of where we would be at in the pregnancy if we hadn’t miscarried.
Nothing prepares you for hearing about other people getting the very thing you have been waiting, longing, hoping, and praying for. No matter how long your road, no matter how many pregnancy announcements you hear in your period of waiting…you never get used to it. Each and every one pulls at your heartstrings and makes you question and doubt. While all those emotions are going on, we are also extremely happy for the couple that is being blessed with a child. It’s a roller coaster of emotions.
I can’t stress enough that although we are hurting for ourselves, we can still be happy for others.
I always try to remind myself that God doesn’t make mistakes. There is a reason that Jayson and I are on this road.
We all have different things that help us through trials and tribulations and I have had to work hard over the last four years trying to determine what helps me and what doesn’t.
Sometimes I just need a break from social media. If you’ve already seen your 500th pregnancy announcement for the week, it is okay to STEP AWAY from social media. When you’re doubting yourself and wondering why it isn’t happening for you, DON’T GOOGLE.
I will never understand why I would constantly torture myself further. I had to figure out what the things were that were hurting more than helping and those did include social media and google. I had to find the things that helped me and that was my faith, my husband, family, and friends. When social media is starting to get over the top with announcements, I will put myself in a good book to help take my mind off of things. This blog has also helped me get thoughts and feelings off my chest instead of keeping them bottled up inside. I have also been writing a journal that is to our future child. I want that child to know how hard we fought for them and how much they are loved.
Don’t be afraid to take time for yourself to figure this out. God had a plan for us and we don’t know how long this road will last, so it’s important that you figure out what will help you through it and what won’t.
If you can’t stomach an event where there are going to be lots of reminders of your struggle, don’t go. It’s okay and during this time you have every right to be a little selfish. Take care of and be kind to yourself – this isn’t an easy road to travel.
Most importantly – no matter how hard the road gets, no matter how many pregnancy announcements you may encounter in one day, no matter how many years the journey takes….
With love,
Haley