December 20, 2016
I have stared at this blank page for awhile now wondering how to start this blog. I have been contemplating starting one for some time now but always thought I wouldn’t have the words to describe my feelings. Instead I have always searched for other blogs to follow to help me through the journey that is infertility. Now that I have been on this road for four years, I thought it was silly not to share my story with others and hopefully in doing so, I’m able to help them through their journey. After all, the more I talk about it, the more I realize how many people are going through a story very similar to mine and my husband.
As for our story, Jayson and I were married in April of 2012. As one of four children, I always knew that I wanted a big family. I believe I once told my mom that I was going to have six children. Never in a million years did I imagine that having children would be so hard – physically, emotionally and financially. Jayson always stated that he wanted it to be just the two of us for awhile before we started having kids and I of course wanted to start trying right away. We decided to just let nature take it’s course and see how soon it would happen. We soon noticed that nothing was happening, so I decided to mention it to my doctor at my yearly appointment. He didn’t seem too concerned since we hadn’t been trying that long. The next summer, still nothing had happened so my doctor ordered some lab work and everything came back in normal range. He told me he didn’t see it being an issue but if we wanted some assistance to make it happen a little more quickly, he would prescribe clomid to me. I remember when I got home from picking up the prescription from the pharmacy, I looked at Jayson and said, “Are you ready to get pregnant?” Looking back I was so excited thinking this was going to be the magic pill to make it happen. After being on clomid for six months, all I received was a ruptured hemorrhagic ovarian cyst. My local OBGYN decided it was time to transfer me to the Center for Reproductive Medicine in Wichita.
We have been working with this amazing clinic for just under three years now. We started off doing a couple of IUIs, however after they were unsuccessful, my doctor recommended laparoscopic surgery to go in and see if there were any issues that the blood work wouldn’t necessarily tell them about. We did find some slight endometriosis and he cleaned all of that out. We went on to have more IUIs for a total of nine with absolutely no luck. It was so devastating every month to be so hopeful just to have your dreams shattered…..every….single….month. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions each month.
In between a few of those IUI procedures, we did so more blood work and the clinic found that my AMH was rather low – indicating diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). Now mind you, at the time, I wasn’t even 30. I was like how can this be?!? I was shocked, mad at my body and just simply confused. I went through so many emotions and just didn’t understand how this could be happening to me at such a young age. The doctors told me that my egg quality was likely affected by the DOR and that my best chance of getting pregnant was to go through with IVF. If you know anything about IVF, you know it isn’t cheap. There are only a few states where insurance covers infertility treatments and unfortunately, Kansas isn’t one of them. After much discussion, Jayson and I decided to through with it. I was pretty naive and automatically assumed that IVF meant we would get pregnant. I guess I thought it was a for sure thing with all the science involved – it just had to work!
The first round of IVF was a success and I can’t even describe to you how excited we were when we got the call from the nurse letting us know that we were pregnant! The feelings were indescribable. We were on our way home, pulled over, cried together and immediately called our family to let them know the good news. We were ELATED, FINALLY, something worked!
You can imagine how devastated we were when only a few short weeks later, we miscarried. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe our emotions. We didn’t leave our house for almost a week.
After our follow-up appointments with our doctors, taking a vacation to Florida to escape (although I can’t say that you ever really do escape the thoughts and feelings of infertility) and taking some time off from constant appointments, we decided we had to try again – we were so close. After all, my doctor’s said I was able to get pregnant, so that was good news. (I don’t recommend saying this to someone following a miscarriage – the fact that they got pregnant doesn’t help deal with the emotions of losing their child).
I geared up again for another round of four shots a day, numerous trips to Wichita for appointments and the emotional roller coaster that is IVF. I was at the appointment before what I thought was going to be egg retrieval, only to have the nurse come in and tell me she didn’t think we should move forward. I know she was on my side (the staff at my clinic is amazing) however it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. My body didn’t react as it should and they didn’t think moving forward would get us the baby we wanted. I was completely devastated and remember calling both Jayson and my mom on the way home SOBBING! WHY ME?!?!
After a lot of praying and self-reflecting we decided to try again a couple of months later. IT WORKED! We were pregnant again, however much more reluctant to accept. For anyone that has suffered a miscarriage, you know that every pregnancy following that it’s not quite the same excitement. Fear and hesitation will creep in and make you very cautious on whether or not to accept the pregnancy yet. Would this one really be the one or would it end in miscarriage again? I was constantly worried and not letting myself get attached (how horrible to even say).
Sadly, again just a few short weeks later, we miscarried. Jayson and I were both numb. I remember Jayson and I looking at each other as the Doctor said what we didn’t want to hear, “I’m sorry guys, I’m not seeing what I should be seeing”. After some time, they recommended that we go through some testing since we had two consecutive miscarriages.
Jayson and I both did blood work to have a chromosome analysis completed and thankfully everything came back normal. I also did some lab work to make sure I didn’t have any autoimmune disorders that would reject the pregnancy. All those came back fine as well.
We knew with everything coming back fine, that it’s more than likely just an egg quality issue. I must admit, that is a hard pill to swallow. I was constantly thinking less of myself, wondering why my body couldn’t do what it was suppose to do so naturally. Jayson and I had some serious talks and decided we had to try again. We put in for the summer IVF for our next round. Again, we got the news from the nurse, that once again, we were pregnant! Again, a few short weeks later, we miscarried.
Now most people would probably think at this point we should stop, and think about other options. I had some personal changes in my life that I thought would maybe help contribute to a successful pregnancy. I had some more lab work done and found out that I had raised insulin levels consistent with PCOS and was put on some medication to help with that. I also switched jobs and was in a much less stressful environment. Jayson and I knew our chances of trying IVF for a fourth time, however we thought we would always say “what if” if we didn’t try again with the circumstances being a little different. So, we went through with it. Again same results, we ended up pregnant and miscarried a few short weeks after that.
The doctor obviously recommends donor eggs and I think it is something that Jayson and I are both coming to terms with. After all, it is a child that we want to raise and love in our family – it really doesn’t matter if he/she has my eyes or not. We are taking some time to deal with our miscarriage and preparing for the holidays and hope to make some decisions moving forward about how to proceed.
This is something that I have wanted more than anything, to be a mother. How do you give up on a dream? You don’t! You keep trying and praying – put it in God’s hands and try to remain strong. Do we go through with the donor eggs, do we adopt, what can we afford – all questions we have to ask ourselves. God has kept us strong throughout this journey and we continue to lean on Him in our decisions moving forward.
Please don’t forget the men in this battle – Jayson may not have the physical part, however have no doubt that he is as financially and emotionally invested in this as I am. He also has to put up with me on fertility drugs – the man deserves a medal.
There are many couples who are fighting this battle of infertility and are hurting in silence. 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility and speaking from experience, it isn’t a battle for the weak. As we approach Christmas and the new year, please keep those suffering from infertility in your thoughts and prayers, this time of year is difficult for them.
With love,
Haley