For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that patience is definitely not my strong suit. I truly believe that during this infertility journey, God has been testing my patience and just exactly how much I trust in Him and His plan.
I have failed miserably at this test! I think back to when we first started the journey and how I thought that clomid was going to be the magic pill to make us pregnant. When that didn’t work and we were referred to the specialist in Wichita, I felt like I was pushing everything and I was pushing hard!
The desire to be a mother was so strong that’s all I was listening to. I hate to admit it but I didn’t really even listen to Jayson during certain points. It was after one of our miscarriages I was ready to go again right away and Jayson was stating that he needed a break. Emotionally he was drained and I didn’t even see it at the time. I was wanting to be a mother so badly that all I was focused on was the next treatment that could possible get us there.
I think after our fourth and final IVF and miscarriage that’s when I hit my lowest point. We knew that it was our last go at IVF and once we found out that we had miscarried again, I wasn’t focused on the next treatment and was forced to face reality and I finally REALLY grieved.
Looking back I really struggle with how I didn’t listen to Jayson, my body or even God. I realize now that these signs I thought I was receiving from God were really my own selfish desires pushing us forward.
That’s probably my biggest regret. Do I regret trying IVF four times? Absolutely not! It was expensive and A LOT of money was spent but Jayson and I always knew going into it that we were going to try everything. We didn’t want to look back one and ask ourselves, “what if”.
I do regret, though, not taking more time between each cycle. My body needed it, my spirit needed it but most importantly, my husband needed it.
He will tell you that at the end of the day we didn’t move forward with anything without both of us being on the same page and while that is true, I do believe I forced him to get there faster than he would have on his own.
So you can imagine, without us doing anything fertility related since December, it’s been a huge test of my patience. Jayson and I know our next step but we don’t know when that will be.
I’ve had to really focus on improving my patience and trusting completely in God and His timing. I know that our finances will line up when it’s meant to happen and I know that it’s all in His hands anyway, no need for me to try and force everything.
With love,
Haley