Last night I had an overwhelming feeling of pure sadness. I had this intense feeling that all our friends and family were moving on with their lives and felt as though Jayson and I are stuck.
We have friends and family getting married, having babies, taking trips with their family, making improvements on their house and Jayson and I are at a standstill.
Every penny we have is going towards donor eggs. While yes, we are making progress with saving our money, it still seems so far out of reach. With the news from our clinic that they are merging and their rates are going to be increasing, it felt like it just got pulled further away from our grasp.
Jayson and I always say that we don’t want infertility to define us, however trying to live while still chasing your dreams of starting your family is almost impossible. How are we suppose to live our lives and not get sucked down into the hole of infertility when we don’t have the financial means to do anything else?
It’s almost as if we are stuck between a rock and a hard spot. We can’t move and feel guilty if friends call us up and asks us to do something. We know we need to get out and be with our friends to get our mind off of things, but feel guilty that we spend any money going out to eat, going to a sporting event or a movie.
I feel stuck – no closer to my dream of being a mother and being reminded of the struggle that is infertility each and every day when making simple every day plans.
I know there is an end to this madness, I just wish we were able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As of now, we keep moving through the darkness in hopes that tomorrow is the day we finally get a glimpse of the light.
With love,
Haley