It has been about a little under two weeks since Jayson and I were given access to the egg bank website. While I knew that I would experience emotions and feelings, I didn’t know exactly what those would be.
I found myself looking through all the donors and feeling sad. I kept turning my nose up at every donor that Jayson would suggest. Don’t get me wrong, there was absolutely nothing wrong with them, I just wasn’t feeling it.
I had to do some major soul searching to figure out if it was that I didn’t have a connection with them or if there was something deeper going on.
I discovered that while I was looking at the profiles and pictures of these donors, I was thinking of it as replacing myself. No wonder I was having such a hard time. I was thinking that I had to find someone that could replace me. I was thinking I was picking out the mother for my children.
I opened up to Jayson about what I was feeling and going through when looking at these donors and of course he was amazing. He talked me through it and helped me see it from a different angle. Yes we were selecting a donor to help build our family but we weren’t selecting a mother for our children and we certainly weren’t looking for someone to replace me.
So, at the end of last week, I regrouped and began looking at the donors with a new perspective. There were a couple we had on our list, however they still weren’t speaking to me. I prayed that God would help guide and direct us and let us know when we found the right donor for ourselves.
I have to be honest and say that I was getting impatient as donors kept dropping off the list. Jayson and I had a talk over the weekend that we would know when the right one came along and we shouldn’t rush making a decision only because we were afraid that someone we “kind of” liked would drop off the list.
I’m so glad that we didn’t act on those two because yesterday afternoon the perfect one for us showed up on the website. I knew she was the one because I immediately became excited and when I read her profile, I felt a connection. That may sound weird to some of you, however I don’t know how else to describe it. The way she answered the questions and her interest all sounded like me. Her pictures also looked similar to me. Jayson and I talked about it last night and we decided that she was the one for us and we would be really upset if she were gone tomorrow – so we reserved our donor!!
It is currently pending review by the egg bank, however we should be hearing something before too long. I ask for prayers that everything works out smoothly!
Jayson and I are both very excited yet very nervous, however I think that’s normal considering all we have been through. We have to trust in God and His plan for us and are working to “let go”.
While our donor is providing Jayson and I part of the foundation for our future children, I know that I will 110% be the mother of that child. I will be the one to carry him/her for 9 months, my blood and DNA will shape how that child develops through epigenetics. I, along with Jayson, will be the one to raise that child and will love that child with every ounce of my being.
I have wanted to be a mother my entire life and I pray that this is the answer to our prayers!
With love,
Haley