I knew this year would be hard, especially when we found out about our 4th miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. I never knew exactly how hard it would be. Social media is swarming with absolutely adorable children and families starting their Christmas traditions. It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. The littlest things make me start to tear up and my heart feel like it’s breaking in a million pieces.
I want to make it clear to those reading this that may not understand the road of infertility, our sadness for ourselves and our situations doesn’t mean that we aren’t happy for you. We are ecstatic for you and your growing family, however we are mourning the loss of ours or the fact that we have to jump through hoops for the chance to start ours.
This morning as I was getting ready for work, Jayson came in and started to talk about financing options for donor eggs. I can’t even tell you exactly what he said but all I heard was, “We have to be patient, this may take us awhile to come up with the money.” I didn’t need to hear anymore and I started to cry. How much longer do we have to wait to have our family?!? After all, we have been on this journey for four years. How much more patient do I have to be?
I told him that I didn’t want to cut him off, however I didn’t think this was a good time to talk about it. I knew my emotions were already heightened from all the pictures of children on Facebook, discussing the difficult subject of finances to start our family wouldn’t be a smart move.
Jayson of course is on the same page as me and he is just as eager to start our family as I am, however guys tend to have their emotions a little more together. He is such a rock and I couldn’t go down this road without him.
For those of you that are feeling the same feelings that I am during this time of year, please know that you aren’t alone. These times are tough, however we are tougher and we will get through this. Take one moment at a time and don’t be afraid to step away when you feel your emotions creeping up on you.
I found this quote so fitting right now. I don’t understand why we were given this road to start our family, but I do know that I’m trusting in Him and His plan of us.
With love,
Haley