I saw the above picture when I was browsing on Pinterest and it got me pretty emotional. There has been a lot going on lately along with the infertility that I have felt like there is nothing good in the world anymore.
I have been becoming very bitter and letting these trials take over my life. I’m not sure I have the answers on how to change that but I do know that I need to pray more.
I was so good at it, praying every single day, multiple times per day until my fourth miscarriage. Then, I pretty much completely stopped. I would pray here and there but I wasn’t consistent with it anymore. I was so mad at God for everything he was putting Jayson and I through just to start a family. I was also mad at him for what he was putting some of my other family members through as well. So, I stopped talking to him. I didn’t really have anything nice to say, so I wasn’t going to say anything at all. After all, that is what we are taught, right?
This weekend my dad called me to give me an update on another family situation and one thing he told me he said is if you’re mad at God, tell Him. I doubt he even realized it, but it home for me too.
I have been talking to God a lot more this week and I told Him how mad I was at Him for family struggles and how frustrated and lonely I felt. I let all my anger out and wasn’t shy about my feelings. It made me feel a little better and each time I talk to him again, I slowly feel some of those feelings disappear.
I know that He is in charge and He will always take care of us – we just need to make sure we are letting Him in. I haven’t been good about that, but I’m working on it.
With love,
Haley