I was asked the other day what it felt like to carry the weight of infertility. The question stopped me in my tracks. I had no idea how to answer that. How could I possibly put into words the emotions I have been feeling and experiencing for the last four years? How do you explain the feelings and emotions of the very thing that has been eating away at your core? The thing that you can’t go a day without thinking about without having some sort of emotion tied to it. That emotion could be different from day-to-day, hour-to-hour. Is this even possible to explain?
If you have or are currently battling infertility, you know what I’m talking about. Is there a way to explain this to people that haven’t had to experience it so they can fully understand the magnitude and weight of infertility? Will they understand? Will they think it’s a big deal? Will they downplay all that I have went through for the past four years? Will they make a comment that will upset me? Will they act like they even care? Will I receive the support I so desperately long for?
It’s almost impossible to explain to someone that hasn’t had to wear these shoes. I still believe that the topic is very taboo and many people don’t know how to respond to someone they know is fighting this battle. I think it makes people very uncomfortable so they avoid the topic and act like the elephant isn’t in the room.
Dealing with infertility is like dealing with the stages of grief every…single…month. I always started out very excited and hopeful that this would FINALLY be the month that worked for Jayson and me. We would go through all the treatments and it was exciting. Will these shots be the shots that help produce our first child? Will this egg retrieval be the one that finds the perfect egg? Will I get pregnant from this transfer procedure? I’m pregnant! My emotions turned from excited to fearful. Will this pregnancy last or will I have another miscarriage? Going to the bathroom was almost too much to handle. I never knew if that trip to the bathroom would be the one that I would find out the pregnancy was ending. The heartbreak, frustration, etc. would creep up. The devastation from a miscarriage or another negative pregnancy test would break me down to where I felt like I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t do another treatment. I would go into depression and not want to do anything. I would grieve and mourn. Then my desire to have a child would take over, I would pick myself back up (with a ton of help from Jayson) and I would start to prepare myself to do it all over again the next month.
These are some of the emotions that men and women battling infertility experience on a monthly daily basis:
| · Excitement | · Sadness |
| · Hopeful | · Afraid |
| · Anxious | · Isolated |
| · Faithful | · Frustrated |
| · Eager | · Ashamed |
| · Strong | · Guilt |
| · Encouraged | · Anger |
| · Inspired | · Jealousy |
| · Positive | · Weak |
| · Stressed | |
| · Bitter | |
| · Tired | |
| · Fear | |
| · Self-doubt | |
| · Denial | |
| · Restlessness | |
| · Heartbreak |
There are even more that didn’t make the list. It’s a constant battle and it never truly ends. I have talked to some of my friends that have finally had their child after years of struggling and they stated that the scars are always there. You never forget what you went through.
Psychology Today stated the following in an article they published, “Current research has shown that the stress levels of women with infertility are equivalent to women with cancer, AIDS or heart disease, so there is no question about infertility resulting in enormous stress.”
Maybe this blog post will give a little insight into what it is like to struggle with infertility. To all of you that are still fighting that battle, stay strong and remember that you are not alone!
With love,
Haley