I feel like a prisoner! As I have said so many times before, this journey isn’t for the weak. When I have weak moments I start second guessing everything. Are we doing the right thing? Should we be investing our money in our home that so desperately needs it? Are we getting behind on projects that needs to be done? Are we missing out on being a “young” couple by not taking trips or planning vacations?
When you’re struggling with infertility it is easy to have these thoughts, no matter how badly you want a child. Jayson and I are in a very challenging spot right now, almost a stand still. We aren’t doing anything other than saving money just so we can afford the next step in our journey.
I think I would rather be doing rounds of IVF opposed to waiting and saving money. I’m not patient and it’s making me feel like we aren’t doing anything.
We aren’t doing the house projects that need to be done because that money is going to our donor egg fund. We aren’t taking vacations like our family and friends because that money is going to donor eggs.
It’s hard to explain how it feels. Imagine standing in the middle of a busy highway and you’re standing still, not moving, and everyone else is moving past you very quickly. You start to SLOWLY move and feel extremely guilty.
That’s how I feel when Jayson and I do something for fun. Should we be spending this money on going to a movie or out to eat with friends?
It’s a constant battle each and every day. I hate to admit it but some times I even catch myself asking if we are doing the right thing.
I almost feel guilty for writing this blog post because at the end of the day, I know what our goal is. We want to be parents and we want to start a family. We want to get up in the middle of the night for feedings and diaper changes. We anxiously wait to for our kids to wake us up extremely early on Christmas morning to show us what Santa brought them. We can’t wait for our kids to be mad at us for the first time for not letting them be able to do something with friends. All these things that may seem like an annoyance to some parents but Jayson and I can’t wait for!
My dear husband told me, “John Wooden said you don’t measure your potential by comparing it to others but by measuring it to where you are after taking on adversity. So today take everyone out of the picture but us. Look at where we are at and what we have physically, emotionally, and spiritually been through after the heavy battles we’ve fought. We are truly blessed, successful, and accomplished. Look more at what we have and how we’ve grown than what we don’t have and how many times we’ve been disappointed and hurt.”
So while it may not feel like we are moving, we are moving towards our dreams, it may just not be as quickly or as easily as we had planned.
With love,
Haley