Yesterday Jayson and I were out running errands trying to prepare for our travels for Christmas this weekend. We had went to Sonic to get a drink and the way Jayson talks in the intercom always makes me laugh and reminds me so much of his dad. Jayson is a spitting image of him! I made the comment about how he is so much like his dad and he said well you’re just like your mom too. I asked him how and he said, well you and her have the same laugh. That comment stopped me in my tracks. Will I have that with my future children? Will one day my child be driving with their spouse talking about how they are so much like me? The battle of those emotions really hit me hard as I processed that this may never happen. It’s funny considering how I wrote in my post yesterday that it doesn’t matter if our future child has my eyes or not.
I realized that this is something that may take time to process and come to terms with. No matter how much I want a child and no matter how much I’m perfectly fine with donor eggs, there is still a mourning of not being able to have a child from my own DNA. This may not bother some people, but it’s something that I have to come to terms with. I know once I’m holding that baby, I won’t be thinking about how they came from another person’s cells. I will only be thinking about how much I love that child and how he/she is perfect!
I wish I could say that this journey was full of stable emotions and you never bounced back and forth between thoughts or feelings. However if I said that, I would be lying and anyone who has been down this road would know that it is the furthest from the truth.
While I’m still battling many emotions, I can say without hesitation that I’m ready to start the process of donor eggs tomorrow. I know this isn’t feasible for us financially, emotionally or physically since we just had our 4th miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. However when you have waited so long, you’re ready to go on to the next thing and keep fighting. I always knew that I was one of those people that if I start a house project or something, no matter how tired I am, I will keep going until I’m finished (this drives Jayson crazy, ha-ha!). I have found I am the same way with infertility. I want to keep fighting and I don’t want to waste time. I want to keep going until we finally have a baby in our arms. I feel like each month that passes is a month lost without our child and that really bothers me especially this time of year. I think about the due date of our first miscarriage and think how we would have an almost one year old at this Christmas and how different it would be.
With that being said, I know that I need to cherish the time that is for Jayson and I. I know someday we will have our children, so I need to remember to live in the moment and enjoy the time with us two. Admittedly, living in the moment is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I daydream a lot and think about what it will be like to finally be parents and it’s something I have to work on constantly. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband more than anything and I love the time we have together but when you have been fighting so long for something that you want so desperately, it can take your attention off of the “now”. I have gotten better at it, but it is still a struggle.
This is a quote that I have saved on Pinterest that I often look at to remind myself that I need to have patience and wait for God’s plan for Jayson and I to unfold. Keep praying!
With love,
Haley